There are times my boyfriend is mean to me, makes me cry, and then makes love to me. It has happened several times, so I see a pattern emerging. Do you think he is turned on by crying? Dear Reader, If you did not say that he is first mean to you, then I would suspect something else. However, because he is mean to you, it is my opinion that he is not turned on by crying. He is turned on by pain and control. He is abusive. This is not about love or sex, it is about hurting you and your feelings. The more control over you your partner feels, the more it turns them on. This is not consenting behavior. You are being taken advantage of and abused. Domestic violence does not discriminate. It can happen to any person in any kind of relationship – heterosexual, homosexual, friendships, marriages, family, elder care, children, professional, etc. There are no boundaries between class, ethnicity or region either. It can happen to anyone. It usually catches a partner off-guard. A relationship begins rosy and then the darkness emerges. An abusive partner seeks control and sometimes the easiest way to feel in control or bigger is to tear down their partner. Reducing you to tears is also reducing your sense of worth, self-esteem. It gives you the feeling that you must have done something wrong or to deserve what is being said and done. They want you to feel like no one else will want you, you are stuck with them, they are the only ones who care about you and you deserve any poor treatment you are receiving. This is not love. Finding fault, casting blame are also tactics of violent behavior. Negating your emotional reaction, telling you shouldn't be feeling hurt, you are overreacting or taking it too hard are also abusive and ways to tear you down. There are many ways that domestic violence and abuse can manifest: Intimidation; Emotional Abuse; Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming; Using Children or Pets; Economic Abuse; Coercion; Threats, Physical and Sexual Altercations. Your partner could seek therapy or counseling to be more aware of why they need to feel control and create pain. However, this is not your fight. Your fight is helping yourself. Recognizing that this does not feel good, that you don't deserve to be treated like this is the first step. My advice is for you to leave your partner, the sooner the better. Their behavior will only escalate to more violence. Your partner will only be sated with your tears and broken self-image for so long. They will want to increase your pain and any feelings of isolation. The most common reason to stay in a bad situation is not feeling like you have an option to leave. Financial – not having the money to move out or needing their financial support – is a big one for most. There are ways out of a bad situation, and there are people available to help you make the choice to leave. You are not alone, it is NOT YOUR FAULT and you don't have to do this by yourself. Many people return to their abusers. If you don't stay gone the first time, do not feel guilty. It is a struggle and it takes strength, courage and determination. Sometimes it is too embarrassing to ask friends or family. Sometimes it takes people from outside of your network to help you leave. There are several hotlines, safehouses and other means available to get help out of a bad situation. I recommend contacting The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They are available by chat, telephone and local agencies are listed too. http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) and 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) If you are located in Columbus, Ohio there is an incredible agency called CHOICES. http://choicescolumbus.org They have a 24 Hour Crisis & Information Hotline. (614) 224-HOME [4663] February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Please talk to your teenager about the warning signs of domestic violence, abuse and how to prevent it from happening on either side. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you have a question or a topic you would like to have covered in this column, please go to: http://ladymonstersex.info and click on the link for the Google form. Or, call (614) 636-0936 and leave a message in my Google Voice Mail Box. Both options are 100% anonymous. Thank you.