Dear Lady Monster, I'm not sure if I'm able to have orgasms with my partner. I can come when I'm by myself, but it's really hard for me to get to that same point with someone else. I'd really like to, and feel like I should be able to. When I'm high I get really close to it, but then it disappears. The sex feels good, but I'm frustrated about why I'm not coming. “To Come. Did you come? Did you come? Good. Did you come good?” - Lenny Bruce Think of the importance we place on those two words when it comes to sex. Our society is very goal-oriented when it comes to sex. We want to be sure we come, that we come simultaneously, and with earth-shattering kabooms. That's usually not how it works. For some an orgasm may not be achieved with another person. Some people have a difficult time because of past sexual trauma, or other PTSD, being vulnerable enough to let go in front of a partner, or are tightly wound with stress and cannot get to the point of climax. Some people have a physical ailment or are on medications that prevent them from being sexually aroused to the point of climax. If you are finding that you can orgasm on your own, perhaps you can set up a scene with your partner where they can watch you. Create a voyeur/exhibitionist scene where you provide a secret show and tell. Or, make a video of making yourself come for them to watch alone. Perhaps this will become a regular part of your sex life. Many people have difficulty achieving orgasm during penetration or being stimulated by their partner. However, when they stimulate themselves in front of a partner, then they can come. These demonstrations are so incredibly hot because of the intimacy that it establishes. Your wanting to make changes to your sex life is bold, brave and loving. Please acknowledge what you are providing, and wanting to take your sex life to a deeper place. For men who have difficulty reaching climax, I recommend prostate stimulation. Men can come through this stimulation without having an erect penis. Inserting a finger, buttplug or dildo into your anus does not mean you're gay. It means that you acknowledge an anatomical part that provides pleasure and you are touching it for that purpose. The prostate can also be stimulated without penetration, but the sensation will be stronger. I would also like to bring up the definition of orgasm. Sexologist Dr. Stuart Bloch says that while on the path towards a climax, many orgasms are achieved. He states, first there is arousal, then erection (including clitoral), then feeling on the edge, changing positions or changing strokes to prolong the sensation, achieving ejaculation and finally having an orgasm. When a male has all the components, erection-ejaculation-orgasm, then a climax is achieved. Not all of these components are necessary to have the other, except climax. This is true for women too. They can be stimulated without receiving an erection, achieve orgasm and ejaculate – all independently. However, to achieve climax, it arrives in succession, but still not necessarily with ejaculation. Depending on how you choose to define orgasm or “good sex” - the possibilities of sexual pleasure are limitless. It is how each of us limits ourselves, and where we choose to go. For more insight and inspiration for your orgasms, and the various types of orgasm that can be achieved, I recommend reading this brand new anthology of erotic short stories, The Big Book of Orgasms: 69 Sexy Stories by prolific erotica writer/editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. Each story is about achieving orgasm. Short, hot and steamy revelations. An excellent bedside companion for youself or story time with a partner. You can find this book through Cleis Press. If you have a question or a topic you would like to have covered in this column, please go to: and click on the link for the Google form. It is 100% anonymous. Thank you.