Special to the FreePress
Editor's Note: Thanks to a secret satirical recording device implanted into Donald Trump's hair, an actual fake transcript has emerged from the fake president's recent meeting with his actual owner, Vladimir Putin. Reader discretion is advised:
TRUMP: Well, Putie, I think we can talk frankly now. There will be no recording of this part of our conversation.
PUTIN (chuckling): Right, Donald. I would never record anything between us without letting you know first. At the KGB we made it a strict policy to honor the privacy of all citizens, Russian, American, Chechnyan and, of course, Siberian, where so many of our great patriots are still so happy to do volunteer labor.
TRUMP: Well first I must thank you for putting me in the White House. I could never have stolen the 2016 election without you.
PUTIN: Oh, Donald, you give me too much credit. You have plenty of people right there in America to do it for you now and next time and on in the indefinite future. Your voter rolls have been stripped by that wonderful Kris Kobach, who took the vote away from so many annoying black and Hispanic citizens. Then your Republican governors and secretaries of state and precinct hacks flipped the electronic voting machines. It's all so simple. You didn't really need us Russians to do it for you. But I'm happy to see the Democrats obsessing on us. They really can't handle the truth of home-grown election theft, can they.
TRUMP: Democracy is SUCH a fake concept. It's so over now. Why would we even think of letting non-millionaires have a say in our government?
PUTIN: But above all, you must prevent the adoption of hand-counted paper ballots. These are a terrible trap leading to real democracy. Along with transparent voter registration rolls, you must resist these at all costs.
TRUMP: I am thinking of making paper ballot advocacy a capital offense.
PUTIN: Yes, look at your insane country. You have black people, Hispanics, Asian-Americans, Muslims, students, non-millionaires…why would you even THINK of letting ANY of them vote? You even allow homosexuals to live! Look at the beautiful extermination work we are doing in Chechnya. You really should take note.
TRUMP: Well, Putie, you know that at your suggestion I've set up a commission to deal with that democracy problem. I have Kris Kobach, who used Crosscheck to eliminate millions of colored voters in 2016. I have Ken Blackwell, who stole the 2004 election for W. Bush in Ohio. I have Hans Von Spakovsky, the grand master of election theft. Can you suggest others?
PUTIN: How about this Jim Crow fellow. I hear good things about him.
TRUMP: Hmmmm. Not familiar with the name. We'll track him down.
PUTIN: As expected you are getting no resistance from the Democrats. They are the ultimate fake opposition, and you are lucky to have them. You will have no problem burying whatever foolish democratic practices are left in your country.
TRUMP: Yes, yes. Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi…what a bunch of spineless snoozers. Almost as boring and corporate as Hillary herself.
PUTIN (snorts): Please don't mention that name in my presence. You have saved us so much trouble. You know what we would have done had she won the election.
TRUMP: Well, thanks to all those damn Mexicans swimming across the Rio Grande on election day, she DID win. She beat me by 2.8 million votes even after all those blacks and Hispanics Kobach eliminated from the registration rolls. And she won the exit polls in the five states that swung the Electoral College. If you didn't have all that dirt on her she might've actually said something.
PUTIN: We have confirmed that she saw the personal dossier we sent her.
TRUMP: When Blackwell flipped Ohio 2004, John Kerry went wind surfing and to this day has said nothing. When Jeb Bush stripped Florida in 2000, Al Gore made a movie that never mentioned election theft. Karl Rove must've had some serious stuff on those guys.
PUTIN: Nothing I don't have on you, Donald.
TRUMP: Well Hillary did steal the nomination from that commie Jew Bernie Sanders. She stripped it from him in Brooklyn and California just like we stole it from her in Florida, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin. Then she stopped Jill Stein from doing the recounts. You gotta love those Democrats.
PUTIN: Ah yes, poetic justice. Fair and balanced. We did make sure the DNC emails about what they did to Bernie became public. That much we can take credit for.
TRUMP: How about that Tim Kaine. What a pathetic loser. Was he your idea?
PUTIN: No, she did that herself. Leave it to the Clintons to find someone more corporate and less charismatic to run with than she was.
TRUMP: Now those fools are grooming him to run in 2020. Our own fake fake Democrats are hard at work crushing grassroots resistance from the left. Our bankers own that party. They yell and whine but never put up a real fight. It's perfect fake opposition.
PUTIN: We have nothing to fear from these fools. If they find a younger Bernie we have four bullets waiting to put in his—-or probably her—-back. We have plenty of specialists for that.
TRUMP: Speaking of which…did you put those rubles in my account. Being broke is no fun.
PUTIN: Donald, you are so wise to refuse to reveal your tax returns, since all your assets are in rubles—-MY rubles. We will keep you afloat as long as you continue to gut your country. `
TRUMP: Thank you so much, Putie. All those bankruptcies did take their toll.
PUTIN: Yes, and now you will do the same to the United States.
TRUMP: We are well on our way. As you asked, I've completely undermined America's role as a world economic leader. I'm so happy to see Germany and China making such progress toward financial union. The number two and number four economies in the world could never begin to challenge a Russian-American petro-union.
PUTIN: I see you are growing accustomed to second billing. This is good. Let those fools invest in wind and solar energy, energy efficiency and conservation. You and I, Donald, are King CONG. We will push coal and oil and nukes and gas until both our countries go broke and the world becomes a radioactive cinder.
TRUMP: Ha ha ha. You're such a great kidder, Putie. Climate change is SUCH a hoax. The fake media says renewables are cheaper and cleaner and more reliable and create more jobs. But we are the Tsars of fossil/nuke. I love coal miners and nuke workers. They die so quick and leave us their pension money.
PUTIN: Well our experience with Chernobyl was quite sobering. Only people of no consequence were harmed. But it did cost us a lot of cash and it did bring down the Soviet Union. That is why we are pushing nuclear reactors into countries that we can afford to lose.
TRUMP: All those fake photographs of those fake Ukrainian children with their fake birth defects. Leave it to the bleeding-heart liberal media!
PUTIN: Yes, and look what success Japan is having with Fukushima. Tepco is making a FORTUNE on the clean-up and we can certainly expect the same at many different reactors in the coming years.
TRUMP: And they STILL got the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo. All that glowing radiation means they won't have to install lights in the stadiums.
BOTH LAUGH.
TRUMP: So how much longer do I have to do this president thing? I HATE not being about to go out and grab some….
PUTIN: Donald, we have ways to deal with that. Keep doing what you are doing and the rubles will flow…as well as the other benefits. See my people after this meeting.
TRUMP: Putie, you're the greatest…
(Trump then apparently ran his hand through his hair, dislodging the listening device….)
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Lee Waters writes occasional satires like this one for freepress.org, where you can find the new Trump Edition of THE STRIP & FLIP DISASTER OF AMERICA'S STOLEN ELECTIONS by Bob Fitrakis & Harvey Wasserman.
