When Kix Roxx takes the Jazz Meets Origami Festival stage with his band, Razor Dragon Assault, he’ll be doing so for the final time.
  “I’m tired of being the only purveyor of eardrum destroying thrash that plays the Jazz Meets Origami Festival, and I feel that another finger-tapping wizard of shred should have the opportunity to rock the brains out of people drinking lemon shake-ups in the park,” Roxx said by phone during a break from recording RDA’s latest album, tentatively titled “Space Demon Wizards of the Night.” “We’ve been doing this for seven years now, and half the audience has plainly memorized most of our dive-bombing pinch harmonics and floating arpeggios – we can see them walking away as soon as we begin our first song! It’s time to usher in new acts like Flaming Sword of God to scorch the souls of those waiting in line to fold paper into amusing shapes.”
  Specifically, the JMOF needs to branch out from its jazz and origami comfort zone, and increase opportunities for artists living either in their parent’s basements or in dubious apartments off of Henderson Road. This is especially true for those playing blistering pentatonic runs on mid-90’s BC Rich guitars who have been historically underrepresented in the lineup.  This year’s small metal contingent is represented by Razor Dragon, 2013 Free Press Bands to Avoid at all Costs show-stealer Asteroid Shower of Lingering Painful Death, and guitarist James “Double Snake” Black.
  “I don’t think they respect metal, or what they think metal is. If they respected it, I think they’d at least take the time to learn who we are” said guitarist Skully McLaughlin, reached in Des Moines while in the midst of an extensive serial extortion of opening slots no one cares about from local bands in exchange for promises of similar slots in Columbus no one cares about at some later date, which McLaughlin refers to as a “tour.”
  “Me, Shining Sonic Storm and Death Nugget, we all decided that we weren’t going to play again, and we would just play in forums that respected us on our own terms. Everyone at the Jazz Meets Origami, they’re performing for free. If I wanted to be exploited I at least want to feel respect.”
  For the Festival’s part, organizers are aware of the relative lack of ferocious palm muted riffs beating audiences into meek submission, but seem baffled and annoyed by Roxx’s and Laughlin’s criticism. According to organizer Jeff “Jazzy Jeff” Murphy, “[i]f I truly respected metal, I sure as hell wouldn’t be subjecting my audience to these local hacks who can’t scrounge up a gig on their own.”
  Murphy bemoaned the sense of entitlement that has been working its way into the metal community, especially in the thrash metal subgenre. “Having no audience of their own, they just want to borrow ours – they all want to be sandwiched between two musical acts people actually want to see and pray people are too drunk to leave.”
  Indeed, according to Murphy, metal acts have even brought problems with helicopter parents. “We turned down this shitty punk-metal band called Gallagher Death Sledge a few years back, and the next thing you know I’m getting phone calls from their mothers. And these guys are, like, thirty-six years old.”
  Murphy notes that the festival has worked in metal acts in the past, but that his primary goal is music people might actually want to listen to. “Look, there is no law that says we are required to ensure audience time for every  musical genre on planet earth. We try, but sometimes it doesn’t work out.  The mariachi band two years ago frightened stoned teenagers, and don’t even get me started on the Gregorian Monks.”
  Murphy is also bemused by McLaughlin’s claims of extortion. “This is a volunteer run event, nobody is getting paid. You would think that the people cleaning out the trash cans and putting up tents would be complaining long before the guys strutting around in leather pants and neckerchiefs, but they don’t – they’re doing it for the love of jazz and origami and the odd charitable cause.
  Roxx, however, vehemently denied that festival organizers put any work into staging the festival whatsoever. “I have it on good information that all of that work is done by a local gnome magician named Phillipe,” states Roxx. “Phillipe drinks a little bit of seltzer water, waves his wand and sha-boom! Stages and merch booths appear from nowhere, city officials come sprinting up with all the relevant permits, and cold beer begins flowing through underground fairy-tunnels to places where enchanted marionettes pour it into paper cups.”
  Roxx and McLaughlin believe that until it welcomes more metal acts, the JMOF will continue to feel a bit out-of-step with the times.  According to Murphy, however, Roxx and McLaughlin can go “drown in a puddle of their own mediocrity.”

Editor’s note: The Jazz Meets Origami Festival is a fictional event, as are the acts playing or not playing it.