I’m a leftist. Not a Democrat, but an actual leftist. The type that  Trump and all of the other Fascists think of when they refer to center-right “liberals” like Joe Biden. I have become so disengaged with modern politics that if either of the main political parties this nation has to offer are involved, I tune out.

They sold me out long ago. I once was struck briefly by the vision I thought Obama represented but, despite super filibuster and veto proof majorities and control of the executive branch, they did virtually nothing. I have stated aloud that I sometimes prefer Republicans to Democrats because at least they are honest and upfront in their support of the status quo oligarchy the US has become. The Dems will tell me they support things like Black Lives Matter, student loan erasure, Medicare for all, and on and on, and then sit on their hands while nothing changes for the better. Usually, it gets worse.

I’m a leftist, but I am also a woman. I was shocked at how shocked I was when they smashed Roe. My snarky comments to liberal friends about how close we were to losing everything came true. I predicted it, but the reality is just too much for me. My right to bodily autonomy has been stolen. My health care decisions can now be made by old white men in robes. I’m disgusted.

Hard to be disgusted (not really, their entire existence disgusts me but I’m saying this to make a point) with Republicans because they have been loudly doing their best to achieve this for decades. They never hid their intent. Democrats, on the other hand, have even allowed anti choice politicians to represent their party. I’m not entirely sure what the democrats are for these days.

Case in point: Tim Ryan. This Senate candidate who claims to be a Democrat has decided that if he makes his signs red and spits on values that should be central to the democrats, he might trick enough of Ohio’s plentiful rural white voters to win. Ugh. The man literally filmed an ad where he throws a football at as “Defund the Police” image on a TV that falls to pieces.

I am aware that as soon as tangible, helpful demands came from the community, many ran away in fear. They don’t even know what it means. Defund the police is the safe ground between hearing me scream “Abolish the Police!” and “Fuck 12” and the status quo (are you aware that thousands of cops have traveled to Israel to learn how to better subjugate populations? I don’t wanna derail my own rant but they have half of a nation in an open air prison surrounded by giant walls. We are paying for that).

It isn’t just that obviously. It is the extensive amount of military equipment they acquire (you know, in case they have to go to war with the community). That is an interesting tangent of it’s own. Military contactor gets paid huge sums to design and stock our gargantuan war squads. Government recoups some money for things they never needed to sell to state, county, and local governments. Regardless, there are police with tanks and such trained by an army to make sure they can protect and serve.

When he threw that football, I threw my mail in ballot. It hasn’t made it to the trash though because of Roe. I think of stories I heard from my mother and aunts about the horrors of bootleg abortions. I’m sitting here in front of a computer trying to make up my mind. He is a senator so can’t help the supreme court issues. I can’t imagine there being an opportunity for an actual constitutional amendment. And he is making commercials that are extremely offensive if not actually racist.

I just don’t know. It is almost impossible to me to have any faith in a party that changes course on the faintest wind. I would love for this to make a difference. I have tried and hoped and voted and canvassed and marched. I still see the same things on the news. I’m still finding more and more every day that upsets me about this world and this country.

This election is important. The people beating Trump drums (while he sits under indictment with threat of never holding any office of any kind) make my blood curdle. The idea that people are actually working to give that man any power at all is repugnant. It is also repugnant to vote for someone who actively opposes an issue so important to me.

In the end, I assume I will hold my nose and hit the button. I just need to make it known that my anger is rational and specific.