AUSTIN, Texas -- I sacrificed an hour Friday evening to watch the Texas gubernatorial debate on your behalf, since I knew none of you would do it. Democrat Chris Bell looked and sounded like the only candidate who won't embarrass the state -- he was intelligent, well informed and even funny. But the question remains: Can Texas afford to lose that hair?

            The Coiffure was in his usual form. As one opponent after another attacked his record, Gov. Rick Perry stood there proudly behind that 35 percent voter support he has so richly earned and simply disagreed. The Coiffure seemed to consider blanket denials a fully sufficient and adequate response.

SALTILLO, MEXICO -- Author’s Note: It’s two o’clock in morning; I’m writing from the Free Press Mexico remote office (i.e. the motel bathroom). Although this is a day of strong historical import, many days in the field (i.e. too many beers) may result in somewhat off-kilter coverage, and for that I am, as always, very sorry.

After a frustrating day of coping with my logistics team’s emotions, I was searching for cervescas on Saltillo’s Plaza Centro. I was storming down the sidewalk elbowing Mexicans and snarling gibberish to myself when I turned into what I thought was a bar and looked down the barrel of twenty Mexicans wearing black bandito-style masks, who stared at me as I stood in the doorway, looking around. I walked back outside, noticed the large red star stenciled next to the door. I rushed back inside the Saltillo chapter of the EZLN.

"Ustedes Zapatistas?" I asked. They all looked at each other’s masks and then at the various posters depicting Subcommandante Marcos, then back at me, back at each other, and then nodded.

AUSTIN, Texas -- The Old War Criminal is back. I try not to hold grudges, but I must admit I have never lost one ounce of rancor toward Henry Kissinger, that cynical, slithery, self-absorbed pathological liar. He has all the loyalty and principle of Charles Talleyrand, whom Napoleon described as "a piece of dung in a silk stocking."

Come to think of it, Talleyrand looks pretty good compared to Kissinger, who always aspired to be Metternich (a 19th century Austrian diplomat). Just count the number of Americans and Vietnamese who died between 1969 and 1973, and see if you can find any indication he ever gave a damn.

As for Kissinger's getting the Nobel Peace Prize, it is a thing so wrong it has come to define wrongness -- as in, "As weird as the time Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize."

Tom Lehrer, who was a lovely political satirist, gave up satire after that blow.

The War Criminal's return is the only piece of news I have yet found in Bob Woodward's new book, and what amazes me is the reaction to the work. Gosh, gasp, imagine, Woodward says the war's a disaster!

AUSTIN, Texas -- Chris Bell for governor! I know, I know, it's stop the presses, Ivins favors Democrat! But the Kinky Friedman candidacy is worn thin and no fun. Besides, we actually have a good chance to get Rick Perry out of office. After six years in office, the Coiffure is so little loved he's pulling only 35 percent of likely voters. He gets another four years, I don't think we'll have a public school system left -- he really does intend to destroy it, at far-right GOP donor Jim Leininger's bidding, you know. We may never again get a chance to do our state such a great service. This could be the Alamo of elections.

For those, like me, who believe in music and laughter in politics, Kinky Friedman appeared to be a natural -- and besides, how hard can it be?

It turns out, a little harder than Kinky is willing to make an effort to go. In an excruciating interview with the Dallas Morning News, Friedman not only got about half his facts wrong (this is why we accuse Bush of misleading people), but also demonstrated that he does not understand school finance or taxes, nor does he have any intention of trying to do so.