AUSTIN, Texas -- (With apologies to Ring Lardner and the "You Know Me, Al" letters.)
Dear Friend Dubya,
You know me, pal -- your ol' buddy, governor of Texas and the man with the reelly, reelly good hair. I am writing to tell you what to do in the wake of this here Hurricane Katrina. Numero Uno, you got to send money to Texas. Yup, that is the primero responsibility you got, and since -- you don't mind my saying so -- you ain't done too good so far, I suggest you listen to me on this, instead of making another dumb mistake, like sending aid to Florida.
Florida may be run by your brother, but he's got dick for hair and his schools are already funded, see? Whereas in Texas, we have generously opened some of our finest air-conditioned sports arenas to these soggy refugees from Louisiana so they can sit and drip on real Astroturf. As your momma, that great Houstonian Barbara Bush, said after visiting the Astrodome, those people are better off now because "they were underprivileged anyway."