What a Fake Geek Boy might look like while playing “Call of Duty”
Fellow Geek Ladies, there's a sinister threat plaguing our culture: An influx of self-proclaimed geeks who come to our conventions, our message boards, even our Tumblr dashboards not to share in our love of things but to show off for our attention, trying to get us to date them. It is imperative that we drive them out before they corrupt everything we’ve worked so hard for. That's right: I'm talking about the terrible scourge of Fake Geek Boys. Look, if superhero stories were supposed to be for men they wouldn't be such soap operas. The X-Men comics have become as much about Cyclops and Wolverine angsting over their lost friendship as about fighting any kind of actual threats. Remember Chris Claremont’s 2004 Excalibur series where Magneto was cooking breakfast for Professor X? We all know the point of Thor: The Dark World wasn’t punching evil elves, it was the vaguely homoerotic tension between Thor and his (adopted!) brother Loki. Also there was a female love interest in there somewhere because Thor is just that good. DC Comics even had to hook Superman up with Wonder Woman to make him interesting! Superheroes are clearly not for men. They should just go read Maxim instead. Oh, Fake Geek Boy, you say you’re a gamer? What do you play? Call of Duty? Of course you do. You and every unattended 8-year-old boy in America. These insidious males act like somehow any game with guns over narrative is the pinnacle of true gaming when we know that games need gripping stories or at the very least menus and adorable monsters. They’ve never even played World of Warcraft on an RP server. They go into raids calling all the bosses “he” regardless of the fact that some of them are clearly women. They don’t have the ovaries to heal 24 other people who won’t get out of the damn fire. What do they know about gaming? And don’t get me started on how King of the Fake Geek Boys, J. J. Abrams, has ruined Star Trek by pandering to the male audience. Star Trek has always been a more-or-less cerebral series about interstellar politics and equality and science and also rubbery monsters and Kirk and Spock wanting to kiss. But no, bring J. J. Abrams into it and suddenly it’s all about punching. Everything is suddenly action and explosions and lens flare. He’s not a REAL geek, he just wants to make Star Trek movies to get female attention. I hate to think what he’s going to do to Star Wars. The worst of it is the cosplay – no, not theirs, their reaction to ours. They come to our conventions to gawk and drool and catcall at us after we’ve spent months sewing the most accurate Duela Dent costume the world has yet seen, and then they call it “Steampunk Gender-Swapped Joker!” They have the audacity to accuse us of putting all this effort into making costumes for nothing but their greasy, unwashed, leering attention. They need to go home and leave us to appreciate each others' artistry in peace. So I call you to action, Geek Ladies: We must keep these Fake Geek Boys out of our fandoms, lest they corrupt everything we love and make it all about punching and shooting things! Let them know that they need to get back in the garage and fix our cars.

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