Kinks cover

It's beginning to look like political season has finally arrived, and it isn't just that we have two debates under our belt and primaries about to begin. The telling statistic is that fully 85 percent of op-ed writers, most of whom ought to know better, have finally succumbed to the temptation of reacting to some piece of insane gibberish emanating from our dear friend Donald Trump. It's the journalistic equivalent of a weekend off, a “phone it in and come to bed honey” moment. More fool them – the man is plainly a Democratic plant, as is his friend Tom Brady.

  But this is a music column, and we don't ask the easy questions here. If you want to know John Kasich’s stance on net neutrality, the Dispatch would be more than happy to oblige you. Here, however, we roll up our sleeves and get down to the ugly core of what makes someone deserving of the presidential office – if a candidate was a Kinks songs, which Kinks song would they be? Cue “The Contenders,” in alphabetical order:

  Joe Biden -- “You Really Got Me.” As of my deadline, it’s not clear if he is even going to run (although it’s looking that way). It’s difficult these days to divorce the VP from his alter-ego featured in the Onion. But let’s pretend it’s Diamond Joe, and let Dave Davies’ sliced up amp speakers bring him home.  

  Jeb Bush -- “Dedicated Follower of Fashion.” “One day he’s in polka dots, the next day he’s in stripes.”

  Ben Carson -- “A Well Respected Man.” All that I can tell for sure about Dr. Carson is that he is excessively punctual and the ruination of any barbecue on earth. “He’s a well respected man about town, doing the best things so conservatively.”

  Chris Christie -- “Stop Your Sobbing.” Tough-guy image aside, Chris Christie may be the whiniest political candidate in recent memory. The world just refuses to give him the credit he deserves for ending post-9/11 terrorism as the US Attorney for New Jersey. Carly Fiorino interrupts him, Rand Paul is mean to him. Nothing is ever his fault (especially that bridge closing).  

  Hillary Clinton -- “Nothin' In This World to Stop Me Worryin' 'Bout That Girl.” This is true.

  Ted Cruz -- “David Watts.” “I am a dull and simple man, cannot tell water from champagne.” I get the distinct impression that at one time in his life, Ted Cruz was smarter than he is now. His biography confirms this, noting that he attended both Princeton and Harvard Law School prior to an unfortunate incident in which an elephant sat on his head, permanently flattening his face and drastically reducing his IQ. He may, however, have the finest eyebrow wax in American history.

  Carly Fiorino -- “Wicked Annabella.” “Relatives have passed her by, too scared to even say hello.”

  Mike Huckabee -- “The Village Green Preservation Society.” “We are the office block persecution affinity, god save little shops, china cups and virginity.” If Mike was my neighbor, I would pretend to be born again because it would make him happy. Then I would throw my dog’s poop over the fence.

  John Kasich -- “Plastic Man.” According to George Will, Kasich once attempted to get his local Blockbuster Video to take the movie “Fargo” off its shelves for promoting gratuitous violence. “A man lives at the corner of our street, and the neighbors think he’s helpful and he’s sweet.”

Rand Paul -- “Susannah's Still Alive.” Periodically Paul says something that isn’t completely insane. But his unwillingness to start a war on his first day in office makes him forever a third wheel in the Republican Party. “She sleeps with the covers down hoping that somebody gets in, doesn't matter what she does, she knows that she can't win.”  

  Rick Perry.  -- “Death of a Clown.” “Let's all drink to the death of a clown.”

  Marco Rubio -- “A Long Way from Home.” Poor Lonely Marco. “And you think, you're wiser because you're older. And you think, that money buys everything. And you think, you need no one to guide you. But you're still, a long way from home.”  

  Bernie Sanders -- “Father Christmas.”  Economic fairness, expressed unpleasantly. “Give all the toys, to the little rich boys...”

  Rick Santorum -- “Lola.”  For those of you who remember the last election, Ricky S. was the guy who hated gay people to a breathtaking degree. I have no hard evidence that Rick is a cross-dresser, but I don't have any that he isn't either.

  Donald Trump -- “Powerman.” Magnificently crazy and doesn’t even really want to be president. “Call him names and he sits and grins, 'cause everybody else is just a sucker to him.”

  Scott Walker -- “Tin Soldier Man.” “Tin Soldier Man” wasn’t much of a song. This is OK, because Walker wasn’t much of a candidate.

  Jim Webb -- “Waterloo Sunset.” Ahh Jim, Ray Davies has always had a soft spot for dreamers.  

See you at the conventions....

Appears in Issue: