Dear Lady Monster, I'm in my 20s and I keep losing my hard-on. No matter when- during a hand job, blow job or actual sex. Sometimes I cum even when I'm not totally hard, but my girlfriend gets disappointed, wanting to feel pleasure. I feel like I'm losing her because I can't keep it up. Wilted Willie Dear Willie, Not to worry. Really, don't worry. Worry and performance anxiety is probably the greatest cause of losing an erection during sex and sexual play. One of the best ways to combat this is to talk to your partner. Open up about feeling anxious, or ask them how you can please them. Distract yourself from your anxiety. Erections vary, they are not a constant. They are affected by emotion, visual and mental stimulation. If an uncomfortable emotion, thought or image comes into the picture while erect, you're going to have a variation – no matter your age or record of virility. Medication, prescription drug interactions, alcohol and illegal drug use, a variety of health issues such as depression, stress, heart disease, diabetes, blood pressure, insomnia and thryoid problems – all have contributing factors towards increasing problems with maintaining an erection. Talk to her about how erections vary – she may not be aware. Find out how she likes to be stimulated, what will bring her to orgasm. Mutual masturbation can be a very fulfilling and intensely intimate experience. This can mean showing one another how you each masturbate, or telling each other how you prefer to be touched, while masturbating one another. Do not be afraid to hear what she asks for. Be able to release judgments and fears around what her fantasies and/or proclivities are. You may not be ready to act on them, but don't make her feel bad for what she has confided. Some people do not feel a lot of pleasure around sexual activities, especially if there isn't shared intimacy between partners. If you are having fears or anxieties around an issue of intimacy with your partner, it could be feeding into your sex life. It could also be from a birth control method. Sharing mutual masturbation can alleviate the worry of birth control while adding a different kind of intimacy into your sex life. If you are losing your erection around condom use, there are some available that provide either a snugger fit or a thinner texture (both allowing you to feel her better). I highly recommend pleasing your partner, if your hard-on wanes. Bring on the toys, your fingers, your tongue – whatever you have that she prefers and go to town. Remove the doubt and worry about being able to receive pleasure and decide to give it. A well-cared for lover will not leave you. Attitudes about a lost erection, not wanting to try new things, blaming, complaining – any kind of over-reaction towards it – could cost you a relationship or bring sour feelings into the bedroom. Accepting that it's just one of those things and finding a way to move on, beyond porno-hyped expectations, will keep things moving in a positive direction, eventually satisfying you both. * * * * * * * * * * If you have a question or a topic you would like to have covered in this column, please go to: and click on the link for the Google form. Or, call (614) 636-0936 and leave a message in my Google Voice Mail Box. Both options are 100% anonymous. Thank you.

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