White man in blue shirt with straw hat with arms folded standing in front of huge mural of Elvis Presley

In last month’s least surprising news, media sources are reporting that the 2019 Rock on the Range Music Festival will not be moving to Three Creeks Metro Park from its existing home at Mapfre Stadium. The annual festival, which features an assortment of post-grunge, nu metal and a smattering of classic rock (collectively “butt rock”) had reportedly been considering a new site in light of the possible relocation of the Crew to Austin, Texas. According to a statement, the Metro Park decided not to host due to concerns over infrastructure and the fact that “butt rock fans are a bunch of dumb animals who will piss all over themselves and try to eat the trees like beavers.”

According to city officials, sites including Mapfre, Berliner Park, Cooper Stadium, the closed Phoenix Golf Links, Bolton Field, Eldorado Scioto Downs and the former site of Westland Mall remain in contention for the descent of the shorts and combat boots crowd. All of these sites are, of course, woefully inadequate for the awesomeness of acts like nu metal warblers Godsmack and the tediously self-important Tool. Cognizant of my highly influential role in the butt rock community, however, I have taken it upon myself to explore these venues and other potential spots for this fine exposition of dipshit culture:

Three Creeks Metro Park. Wait, didn’t they just say they aren’t doing it there? Sit down pussy, Godsmack is playing this festival! You think Godsmack is going to let a bunch of whiny bitches down at City Hall tell them what to do? This is rock man, rock! PROs: small band of park rangers no match for 30,000 idiots. CONS: competition for food from real beavers, Ewoks.

Mapfre Stadium. Traditional site at the architectural teaching moment north of the Fairgrounds. PROS: I live in Glen Echo and it enrages my neighbors. CONS: makes it hard to get to Lowe’s.

Cooper Stadium. Former home of the Columbus Clippers that is sinking slowly into the earth. PROS: may take Godsmack with it as it descends to Hades. CONS: Satan complaining on Facebook.

Berliner Park. Southside wasteland beloved of softball players and arsonists. PROS: Greenlawn Avenue couldn’t possibly get any more irritating. CONS: wandering mobs of dispossessed second basemen may destabilize Merion Village and vandalize post office.

Phoenix Links. A former landfill converted to a now-defunct golf course. PROS: a recycling fairytale. CONS: butt rock doesn’t deserve anything this weird.

Eldorado Scioto Downs. Relatively nice (it is!) raceino on 23 just south of I270. Features harness racing, slots and reasonably priced drinks. PROS: bored music journalists and fashion reporters can gamble instead of actually watching the concert, all while retaining the ability to draft pithy commentary like “Tool totally rocked! I mean they rocked!” CONS: no table games, disappointed horses.

Former Site of Westland Mall. According to local legend, centuries ago there was a large shopping facility somewhere on Broad Street west of the Hilltop. Someday, the story goes, a prince will discover it and awaken a sleeping princess by giving her a bad check, causing the Mall to return to its former glory. PROS: magical interventions are not subject to building codes. CONS: wait, were we seriously talking about having a concert here? Because that’s a horrible idea.

The Short North. If they can close down High Street for some dumbass Halloween party, surely they can do so for the greatest rock show on earth. PROS: thousands upon thousands of available parking spaces. CONS: can we all just now agree that the Short North is no longer fun or cool? Butt rock fans, for all their faults, are not douchebags.

Mirror Lake. An aquatic romp on the OSU campus! Putting student bathers to shame, butt rockers will float on inflatable animals and blow bubbles while Avenged Sevenfold thunders from their stolen pontoon boat perch. PROS: a near certainty of capsizing and partial electrocution. CONS: ain’t none of those motherfuckers going to remember to take their cell phone out of their pocket before they jump in.

Columbus Commons. Constantly shrinking grassy area on the old City Center site downtown, attracts food trucks, unexciting concerts, and bored young families. PROS: they already have a stage. CONS: the whole site may be condos by festival time.

Muirfield Golf Club. Upscale golf facility in Dublin, home of the Memorial Tournament. PROS: utterly defenseless against crazed stoner invasion, Jack Nicklaus will piss himself in fear. CONS: reports of man eating coyotes and weird reclusive archer who fights the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Little Brothers. Now we’re talking. Evict whatever monstrosity is currently infecting 1100 N. High Street and throw their shit out in the street. Replace the butt rock acts with the finest indie rock Columbus can offer or steal. Bring back Dan Dougan and sell the beer cheap and we’ll party like it’s 1999.

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