Everyone has hang-ups - inhibitions, insecurities or situations that prevent one from having sex.

You have a partner, each is in the mood, you move closer in the direction of getting it on, and then everything stops. Someone's hang-up shows up.

Some hang-ups are mental – needing to have things arranged in a particular way - lights off, music on, lingerie or other “costuming,” grooming (brushing teeth, shaving, showered), focusing on having an orgasm in order to have satisfying sex, being over worried about STDs – the list goes on.

Some hang-ups are societal or based on religious beliefs – needing to be married, with a partner of a certain faith, or waiting until the third date. Perhaps you feel like you've had too many partners, and want to keep it below a certain number.

Some hang-ups include physical problems like maintaining an erection, premature ejaculation and menstruation. When a physical problem presents itself, it depends on how each partner treats this situation.

Stress, depression, PTSD – these elements are not hang-ups. Hang-ups are a choice - over time you add or subtract things that turn you off or you feel are necessary regarding sexual activity.

Some people have a list of requirements of things that need to be in place before sex can occur. Take a good look, think about your list. Why have you created it? How tightly have you boxed yourself in? Are there some things you could drop? How likely are you to drop all the walls and be free to have all of the sex and pleasure possible?

Some hang-ups can be fun, and be part of foreplay. Showering together, helping each other groom and creating a mood.

How often do we get in the mood and spontaneously “do it?” No need to follow the list, just WHAM BAM into position?

How often are you prepared in advance and are ready to meet a hang-up with a solution? Like meeting a variable erection with a cock ring or a strap-on for men?

A common complaint is people want to have sex like it happens in a movie. Men can be caught up in the idea that women don't need foreplay, they orgasm easily, their anus is easily penetrated. A man might think women look, smell, feel or act a certain way. Women can also be caught up in the idea to be romanced first. They want candles lit, soft music (the right soft music) to be playing, to be held, caressed and other things that are shown to us, giving us the idea “This is how you have sex.”

Some hang-ups are connected to how one feels about their body. Perhaps it's dealing with shame for feeling sexual, or having body shame. Body image is a hang-up that affects all genders. Not wanting your partner to see your body, to touch it, afraid they will judge the way you look, wishing you looked different, not being comfortable in your own skin. Thinking that your partner is judging you in some way is likely not taking place. Unless they have vocalized their judgments, I recommend you drop your suspicions. If your partner has judged you, I recommend seeking non-violent communication (NVC) counseling.
Confidence is a major area of breakdown of being able to have sex. Nerves take over and negative scenarios play in our head like a movie. Fear takes over and stops all action or suggestions by a partner.

My advice is to listen to what mental and emotional hang-ups are stopping you. Pay deep attention, have awareness. Talk to your partner, tell them your list. Let them know the reasons you aren't having sex or are frustrated. I would not expect your partner to change to fit your list. Remove blame, fault finding, and have empathy. Stand in your partner's shoes and take a good look at the situation.

Each of you - be calm, breathe, let go and try to move forward without judgment, with love and acceptance. If your partner stops feeling turned on or loses their erection, try to not take it personally, take it from their side. Hold one another, breathe, let them know you're not going anywhere, provide reassurance.
If your partner is feeling body shame, provide a comfortable setting and start with a deep eye gazing exercise. Create a connection that has nothing to do with their body. Let them see and feel the love you have for them. Over time, work on letting go of your hang-ups. Be aware of what is preventing you from having sex. Love yourself, open your heart and mind, and work on increasing your limits and breaking down your barriers.

Embrace all pleasure. Any feelings of pleasure – physical stimulation, emotional sensation – focus on them. The more you think about how good it feels, and the less you think about what could/might/can go wrong or stop that pleasure, the more likely you will enjoy the build-up and move towards a fulfilling sexual experience.

If you have a question or a topic you would like to have covered in this column, please go to: http://ladymonstersex.info and click on the link for the Google form. Or, call (614) 636-0936 and leave a message. Both options are anonymous. Thank you.